Open letter to my neighbors

Dear Neighbors,

To the neighbor who regularly attempts to cram three vehicles in a two car driveway: while your tenacity is admirable, let me give you some insight- it's not working. Not only have you failed to accomplish your objective but you have succeeded in making the street look ghetto. Can I make a suggestion? You have a garage. Use it. I understand you prefer to cram it to capacity with useless crap but that's not my problem. I have a garage. I use it. You should too.

To the neighbor who asked the HOA to cut down all the trees because you have "tree rats": have you checked your attic for a hole? I know it's unreasonable of me to expect you to rule out other possibilities before you deforest our entire neighborhood. Perhaps next time you have an issue such as a leaky toilet the HOA can rip out every one's bathrooms. FYI- tree rats originate from Australia so unless this thing flies, it's called a squirrel. They're everywhere. Get over it.

To the neighbor who screams at her kid: I can hear you. I know all about how Tiffany is having unprotected sex with that 25 year old. It sounds like the whole thing stresses you out. Now it's stressing me out. The next time she comes home with a giant hickey do me a favor- close your windows. Better yet stop by Planned Parenthood and pick up some condoms.

To the neighbor with the nightly booty call: I respect your right to some late night loving but can you ask your underage lover to not rev his engine when he leaves at 2am? Although we admire his Yosemite Sam mudflaps and rebel flag plate, the squealing of tires and Dukes of Hazard horn are overkill. We already know he's a redneck. And FYI, the screaming neighbor says he's gay.

To the neighbor who lets his dog run freely through the community: while I think your pup is incredibly annoying adorable he's not that adorable. I don't appreciate him running into my house and pissing everywhere. I know he just wants to play but my dogs don't and they freak out when he jumps on them. Repeatedly. And sending your 8 year old kid to ask me to help corral your dog is a nice touch. Really? Man up. Leash your dog or the next time he's terrorizing roaming the neighborhood he might get run over by that redneck lover boy.

To the neighbor who regularly places their garbage in my garbage can: you're not fooling anyone. I know it's you. While I understand the gravity of the current economic situation, I assumed since you drive a Lexus LS 460 that a $6/month disposal fee wouldn't bankrupt you. If you can't afford to pay someone to cart away your waste then I suggest you create less. Perhaps we can strike a mutually beneficial arrangement- leave your car keys outside and I'll drive your Lexus whenever I feel like it. No? Then I suggest you pony up the $6/month fee, get your own trash can and stop sneaking into mine at 1am. BTW-I returned your steaming bag of cat shit. You're welcome.

Your Neighbor

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone